2025.12.22

hello.. ugly journal :( WAA. i want to work on my site so much, i'm working on a silent hill shrine start- but i've been sleeping SO much. last thursday i tried to reset my sleep schedule so i wouldn't be sleeping during christmas.. but it didn't work. i was up for like 26 hours & didn't feel tired at all.. i forced myself to go to sleep at 1 am & woke up at like 8pm again every other day after. sigh. it's probably anxiety about the holiday time.. i always get like this when i have to leave my house.
i started a note for journal ideas i'd like to write about, once i get a nicer journal page i'll be here much more often. but my silent hill pages are going to be so cool. i barely sleep but i somehow don't have time to do anything. maybe if i didn't villager hunt on animal crossing for 5-10 hours every time someone wanted to leave i'd have more time. maybe someone better at finances can help me :'(

2025.12.14

hello journal. i'm sick of this layout but we'll fix it another time. this week was a bit frustrating. the game awards was an e33 sweep, which is neat! i'm glad the game is getting a lot of love, i love seeing passion projects get recognition. but.. it does feel weird that it got best art direction & indie game.. i think we need to change what we consider an indie game. sure, it's not an AAA company, but they had a LOT of funding. and.. i'm not the hugest fan of "realistic" looking games. i think silksong & hades which are animated deserve their props too. i'm sure e33 is just made with a lot of textures from substance painter- or the rich person version of it. then everyone wanted kojima to be so mad.. when that man rewrote ds2 because people liked it too much, lol! and the reveals were just so boring.. everything feels so depressing lately. it feels like everything is getting so plain, and/or made with ai. maybe this will finally light the fire under my ass to create my own game before everything is aislop & people go outside for fun again
speaking of that- i bought some books! i'm really trying to find hobbies that aren't on a screen- it's hard. my whole life i've been a computer girl. i got handmaid's tale, & house of leaves. i played the myhouse.wad doom mod, & absolutely loved it. i hope the book is as good! i also have my two twin peaks books. i haven't read without a tablet in so long.. i think i need a little worm light like the ones for gameboy (color?)s to read in bed. :)
i'm getting nervous for the holidays.. i barely bought anyone anything. i've just been in a funk for so, very long. i can't think & i just speedrun every day to be over. my spouse bought me a really pretty coat, & i gave him his gift already too. the holiday's stink because i have to leave my pets at home :( i wish they could just come with me! they also stink without my grandma.. i miss her so much.
i wanted to write in my journal so bad, i kept thinking of things i'd like to talk about. i'll probably do it more often than weekly. i remade myspace for my about page by hand, that was really fun. i think once i get a better layout/design for my journal page, i'll be yappin' a lot more. i don't like this one anymore.. i'm not going to add a picture to this entry because i want to redo it. i've been making myself busy with playing animal crossing & streaming a LOT. keepin my mind off of holiday drama. i want to work on my website, but i am so, so broke. i'll take that 30 cents of ad rev for an hour at this point. waa!

2025.12.07

hello again! another week flew by. i'm really having a lot of fun creating my webpages. i have so, so many ideas i want to do! one of them is to make this journal look better, lol. i really like that it's the silent hill 3 poem background, but it's kind of hard to read. maybe i want my journal hard to read.. just kidding, for now they've been pretty light-hearted.
if we want to get deep for a second.. i really, really am struggling with remembering stuff. my (ex?-)doctor told me it might be vitamin levels, but then my (also ex-)psychiatrist told me it was probably audhd. when i first wake up, so many ideas flood through my head- for work, webpage, even sim house ideas. but literally from walking from my bed to my computer, i forgot already. i try to write things down but i almost feel defeating having to do that. like i can't remember for 30 seconds? fuck. shout out to the mod "to-dew list" for sdv.
anyways, i just wrote something so long & cringe i deleted it. i don't want to vent today. LOL i'm going to go edit my site some more. i'm learning a lot of new ways to make divs & stuff! i didn't know "auto" width & height could be so powerful.
a short little blurp, i saw fnaf2. that movie was hot garbage. really a reminder that fnaf would've been nothing without the fandom exploding. scott's writing was so, very bad. don't even bother going to see it, go watch a fananimation on youtube or something instead :P
okay! see you later, journal!

2025.11.30

well, yay! i really wanted to make a journal. probably the most important part of my site. so.. here it is so far. fun.. *cough* well now it's awkward because i don't know what to write here. maybe i can talk about why i wanted to make a page?
i've been online for way too much of my life, i was probably no older than 5 when i decided the place i want to be forever.. is in a computer chair. sad, i guess. but as a single child to a single mother.. i didn't really know what else to do. but i found peace with it! i used to make little sites on a place called matmice! rip. it was a very exclusive (mind you, i was a baby) site for kids to design their own websites. at the time, tamagotchis & pixel dollies were all the rage. i'm pretty sure my account was something like "pitbulllover" & i just uploaded horrible print-screens of the dolls i made. i also remember scanning my tamagotchi in an actual fucking pc-scanner. smooshing it against the glass & hoping my tama didn't move too much in the full-ass 30 seconds it took to scan. from then on, i made myself busy with writing about my sim's lives then uploading to the now, very dead, thesims2.com. no custom sites, but lots & lots of writing. when myspace came around, i became an html goddess (lol) & transferred those skills to tumblr as well. though, with layout creators, i will admit i became a little lazier- just found things i liked & plopped them in with minimal editing. fast forward to today.. twitter is a fucking hellscape ran by neo-n*zi's.. ai is everywhere & getting a little too good.. people ragebait constantly for clicks, views, & therefore money. what happened to the internet being a fun place? i loved to scroll through people's geocities, tumblrs, xanga's, myspaces. places that were just a little corner of your own internet, where you can express yourself, vent, find friends & others with the same interests. what the fuck is going on? it's probably time to delete my twitter, but it feels so bad to let people ruin things for you- things you were around for since the beginning. i want to go back to old internet. sure, people were really assholes & disgusting then too, but you could really find a place to hang out & not have to deal with them as much. so, i guess this is why i'm birthing this site. partial nostalgia, but also teach myself a skill & be creative again with html/css. ai is going to rip sitebuilding to shreads, but i've always loved to learn things on the computer. looking at other's neocities has made me so happy lately. actually, the first day i decided to finally build my own site, i spent a long time looking for inspiration & listening to VERY old vocaloid songs, it actually made me cry. (nice to meet you, i'm crybaby.) i don't expect this site to go anywhere, & honestly that's a good thing. sometimes talking to an online void is just what i need.
anyways, nice to see you again, tiny little spot on the world wide web!